Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Patience and Persistence

 "Patience—the ability to put our desires on hold for a time—is a precious and rare virtue. We want what we want, and we want it now. Therefore, the very idea of patience may seem unpleasant and, at times, bitter.
Nevertheless, without patience, we cannot please God; we cannot become perfect. Indeed, patience is a purifying process that refines understanding, deepens happiness, focuses action, and offers hope for peace." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf

I was sitting in church the other day and it was fast Sunday; I was in my sister's ward up in Idaho Falls.  The entire time I kept feeling like I should bare my testimony....but I didn't.  I kept feeling Nick nudge my knee to go up there, just like he did EVERY fast Sunday, just to make me uncomfortable and to make me blush. It's been about a month since I have written on my blog, and I struggled to figure out something to write, when the thought came to me "Write what you wanted to say on fast Sunday" So here I am writing what I wished I had said in church.

I really wanted to bare my testimony on being Patient and on being Persistent. Both of those words hit home and they are both completely different in meaning. When I got married I was a VERY impatient person, all I wanted was for things to happen NOW. I think it just comes with my generation to be honest.  Nick on the other hand is the complete opposite, he is the most patient person I know. He understood the meaning of good things happen to those who wait.  When I was being impatient Nick would literally pull out his phone and read me the Webster's dictionary meaning of patience, he did that because he was trying to be funny and get on my last nerve! I now look back and every time I am being impatient I see Nick and I sitting on our bed and him reading to me out loud the meaning of patience. It is one of those memories that I will never forget.  I think that is why I married someone older than me, I had a lot to learn and Nick was patient and persistent enough to teach me.

 The first time I remember just going completely nuts because I was being impatient was when we were trying to conceive our first child, Colton.  It took us 7 months.  Now I understand that really isn't that long at all, but the point is, I wanted it right then and now.  Finally we conceived Colton, and then 9 long months go by; so that makes a total of 16 months I had to wait. For someone who wanted something so badly and someone who didn't understand the meaning of patience, that felt like a lifetime.  Well then, just one week before my induction date, Colton passed away.... I still got my son, don't get wrong, but he was wasn't here anymore. I had waited for forever and he was taken away from me last minute. If that doesn't test your patience then I don't know what does.

  After our son passed we knew right away that we were going to try for a second baby. That took us 10 long months and now I am 9 months pregnant. So another grand total of 19 months of waiting and learning the true meaning of patience. Then to make things just a million times more difficult, I have to wait an entire life time to see my Nick again.... is it really to much to ask for just to see my family, or even just one member of my family?  When I think of patience I think of Nick, Colton and our daughter on the way, I think of Nick reading out loud to me the meaning of patience.  I have truly learned the meaning of patience, and it's not something that will I learn just a couple of times, I have to be patient for the REST of my life until I get to see Nick again.

  I guess this is where I have learned the meaning of being persistent. The Lord wants to see how you will handle situations when he tests your patience.  I have been tested to max but I am still persistent on obtaining my worthy goals. I have not given up on this dream of having my family back. Every morning when I wake up; that is a sign of being persistent.  Every time I actually get dressed for the day, I like to think that I am being persistent and every time I go in for my weekly doctor's appointment, that is me being persistent.  Although my patience has been truly tested , my persistence will never hold me back from obtaining what I want in life.  Heavenly Father wants us to be persistent in worthy causes even if our patience has run dry.  There are a lot things that I want and I want them now, but I can't and I have no control over it, but having that memory of Nick reading out loud to me the meaning of patience is priceless. It's on replay in my head all day long. Being patient and being persistent is really hard to do, and emotionally draining.  When everything has been taken away from you, it is easy to think "I'm done, I have had enough." Just remember that those words are not from our Heavenly Father. When you have waited for something for so long, and then it is gone, being persistent about doing the right thing anyway, is a lifetime lesson. When you hear the words "Keep going, it will get better" you will know exactly where those words are coming from. When you think the words "I was so good, how could you do this to me again?" remember to stay persistent, even if you feel like you are being led in the dark.  

I have so much to learn but lately all I think about and dream about is seeing Nick again and he will tell me "Thank you for being patient and thank you for being persistent." 

I once heard that patience isn't about just waiting for a long time, it's about your attitude while you wait.  This is true.  I don't know if my attitude is where is should be quite yet, but I have a long time to work on it. 

Things that I miss about Nick
1. Nick would pretend to close his eyes to make it look like he was sleeping while we was driving, just to scare me!
2. Nick made the best omelets! He would make an omelet almost every Sunday before church.
3. Nick has a million t-shirts.  In every sport team and logo you can think of. And now most of them are covered in paint. :)
4. Nick and I emailed each other all the time while he was at work.  We were always figuring out ways to talk to each other.  Here is our last email to each other, just 4 days before his accident.
   From Nick:                                                                                                                         
 "Hi honey. How's your day today. You sure did look cute this morning and it was funny how excited you were to tell me that you just had 4 slices of cheesecake in your dream. I miss you and hope you are having a great day. Love you"
From Caroline:                                                                                                                                  
"You are seriously soooo cute! I love you so much Nick!

Definitely a pregnancy dream that I had last night. Lots of cheesecake. It was ahhhmazzing."

5. For Christmas one year, Nick picked out a dress for me, now I assume that most husbands don't even try to buy there wives clothes, but Nick saw me looking at a dress one time while we were shopping, so he went back and got it for me. I wear it all the time.

"The lessons we learn from patience will cultivate our character, lift our lives, and heighten our happiness." -Dieter F. Uchtdorf




so much sweetness and happiness
in those photos
thank you for sharing with us all

Rachel Richards said...

Caroline, you are such an inspiration how you have looked for the lessons and positives during your trials. I have so much respect for you!

RachiePach said...

Caroline, thank you for your post. I lost babies almost a year and a half ago and I feel like, since then, patience has been one of those things I am being tested on and having a very hard time with. So thank you for following your prompting to write your thoughts and feelings because they are just the reminder I needed. (And I saw your pics that Terra took of you and you look beautiful! Congratulations!)

Tania Poire said...

Caroline, I have thought of you often. I know you don't know me but I know Nick's Mom (your sweet Mother-in-law) DeAnn, we are in the same ward. I can't tell you how much it tears at my heart to know of the great loss that you and your family have had to endure. My heart has ached for you both. So many times I have thought of the trials that you have gone through and they have ALWAYS made mine feel like a breeze. Don't get me wrong I have had my fair share, including addictions and inactivity for most of my life. All that said, I knew that you HAD to be amazing given that you were married to DeAnn's son, not because I knew Nick (although I am sure we have met in the past, since I grew up in CC1) but I have heard about the kind of man he is and couldn't imagine that you would be anything short of AMAZING! And now I KNOW you are. I just finished reading your blog on Patience and Persistence and I wanted to thank you... Your words helped me to put things into perspective in my own life and the things that I am going through right now. I too have a very difficult time being patient. I know that the Lord continues to try and test us all. Anyway, I just felt compelled to comment because I truly am inspired by your optimism and your strength. And I am so thankful for the knowledge that we both share of forever families. I am sorry that you have to wait so long to see your sweet husband and precious son again but what a sweet gift your daughter will be. Anyway, that is all I wanted to say. I am sure you have no shortage of prayers... just know that there is someone else out there who continues to pray for you and your sweet family. Much love, Tania Poire

Michelle said...

Love you Caroline! You are SO inspiring!

Shanley said...

I came across your blog because I know Jessica and Steve Pickering. Your words are truly inspiring and I am so thankful you are writing down your thoughts and feelings. My heart breaks for the two of you. No one should ever have to loose a spouse and yet both of you have lost your husbands at such a young age. I cried and cried as I read through your posts and learned about your baby Colton as well. You are truly an angel. I know Heavenly father has a special place in the Celestial kingdom for people like you and Jess who have gone through so many difficult trials in this life. Your words have put things in perspective for me. You have such a sweet spirit and testimony. Thank you!

Jamie Peterson said...

Thank you again for your amazing post. I've been checking every day to see if you've posted anything new, especially about your baby girl. I know you are due soon, but not sure when. Maybe you've already had her, so if so, I hope all went well, but if you haven't had her yet, then I wish you the best of luck! I bet this will be such an amazing experience with your husband and son watching so closely over you. I've been thinking of you daily and looking forward to your next post.

Maria said...

My name is Maria Taylor and I will be the ESPN reporter covering the BYU/Utah game at the Vegas Bowl. If you get a chance please email me at suzette.m.taylor@espn.com I came across your story and I was immediately touched.