Thursday, April 24, 2014

Here Comes The Sun: Hannah Nicholas Wells-Longshore

“Some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven; but for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come.”- Jeffrey R. Holland 

I can't believe she is here! I cannot believe I have a daughter....this last week has been a whole new experience.  So many ups and downs, but mostly ups.  Hannah Nicholas Wells-Longshore was born on April 5, 2014 at 5:06am.  She is my angel, and has saved me; hopefully someday I can help her just as much as she has helped me.

I went into labor completely on my own. TOTALLY didn't see that coming. I think that Nick asked Heavenly Father if he could plan this whole situation out, the way Nick thought that I would want it the most.  I can totally see him planning how all of this went down.  I didn't want to go into labor on my own at all, frankly I am tired of surprises and being caught of guard, but NOW I am super happy with how everything went.  Nick and Heavenly Father knew what I needed and what would make me happy even if I thought otherwise, funny how that goes... She came within two hours of arriving to the hospital.  She was so quick.  My mom drove me to the hospital and she was so excited, me on the other hand was stressed, well until I got my epidural. I called my sister Lauren and she came right away. I called my Aunt Julia and she answered the phone and said "Oh My Gosh!" she knew exactly what it was, maybe because it was two in the morning! By that time, I knew the word was out, eventually my room was filled with my family.

My doctor was on call, and when we got to the hospital he looked like he had just woken up and I could tell he was so excited for me.  I am really going to miss my doctor, he has been through a lot with Nick and I.  He delivered Colton and gave me a priesthood blessing just after everything happened with Colton. I will never forget all the visits Nick and I had with him.  He has truly been a heaven sent and just the doctor that I needed to deliver my children.
Living in Utah is a huge blessing because most people are of my faith, and to have my doctor be a bishop and understand what I already know about families is a huge blessing.

As time progressed I went from four centimeters to a full on ten in just two hours. There were so many little miracles. I will first start off with the fact that I got to have an epidural. There is NO way I could have done this without one. I was already emotionally drained and I didn't need any physical pain to add to that. But because I am on blood thinners, the doctors told me from the beginning that if I went into labor on my own that I would most likely not get to have an epidural. I have to take Heparin shots twice a day, and for some reason that day, I decided to skip both of them. My mom asked me that morning if I had taken them and I said I would, but for some reason I never did, and I NEVER forget.  Because I didn't take any of my medicine that day, I got to have an epidural which literally made this a ton easier. I know Nick had a hand in that one.

When I got to the hospital I debated if I should call my friend Terra Cooper, she is a photographer.  I met her from when I gave birth to Colton.  At the time she volunteered for a company that provided pictures for families who have lost children.  I remember when I first met her, she walked into my hospital room and she was very happy and I could see the willingness in her to serve.  She took the most beautiful pictures of my son. Well anyway, we have stayed in touch since then, and she offered to do Hannah's pictures.  I had just talked to her earlier that day about how it was going to happen that following Monday for my induction, neither of us knew that I would go into labor on my own just a few hours later. It was 2:30am and I debated on calling her or not! It was so early and I knew she was asleep, eventually Lauren called her for me, because she knew that this was important. Before I knew it, Terra made it JUST in time.  Because of her I have the most beautiful pictures. Terra has been there for me during the good times and the really really bad.  Hopefully someday I can repay her for all that she given Nick and I.

I had always planned that it would just be a few people in the room, but my room was filled with family, and I loved it and wouldn't change it for anything.  I realized that this experience wasn't just for me but it was to be shared.  When I first got to the hospital, the nurses started to pile in. The first nurse that came in introduced herself as Vickie.  I looked up at her and I gasped and grabbed her arm and said "Oh my, I know you! You delivered my son!" She looked at me and it took a minute for both of us to completely remember. She looked up the date from over a year ago; November 13, 2012 and yes it was her.  She handed me my son for the first time and helped me deliver him.  With Colton it was just my doctor, Nick and her in the room, so I would know her face anywhere.  We were SO shocked that she was now here, delivering my daughter and especially so early in the morning! What are the chances that she would have the same exact shift, it wasn't by chance, and it's not by chance I have both pictures of her handing me my children.

This experience has been the most anticipated experience of my life.  She came out, I just couldn't believe it, I couldn't believe Nick was not physically there. I was in shock a little on how all of this has come to be, and how my life has turned out.  I really missed my husband when she came out, but I was SO happy to hear little Hannah crying.  I have always thought besides that being born is probably a little uncomfortable for the baby but babies that come out crying are crying because there is a part of them that doesn't want to leave paradise, that she was going to miss her dad.  As time slowed down that first night really threw me off.  I was so paranoid that something was going to happen to her, I couldn't turn the light off, I had to see that she was breathing. Eventually after a few hours I did fall asleep. We turned the light on dim and my mom slept on the pull out bed across the room. As I finally fell asleep which felt like a super deep sleep but at the same time I would jump up if  Hannah made any kind of noise. But as I was sleeping I was laying on my left side and all of a sudden I jumped up and gasped real loud and actually woke my mom up, she asked what was wrong, I told her that someone had just rubbed my back.  I felt Nick lay down behind me in my hospital bed.  It felt like he was pressed up against my back, just like as if we were at home sleeping. It wasn't just like a hand on my shoulder, I could feel his entire body pressed up against me.  It was the most tender and spiritual experience.  He was letting me know that he was there with Hannah and I on our first night together.
 The veil is so incredibly thin, and the only way I can live with this life I have been given, is if it stays that way.  If there is one thing that I wish for Hannah it's that she has some sort of memory of her Dad.  I don't know anyone who has an actual memory of the pre-existence but if I had one wish, it would be that she had a memory of him and her together.  Now when I saw Hannah for the first time, it wasn't like I was meeting someone, I honestly felt like I have known her for years, and I know that sounds SO cliché but we both look at each other and it's like we have been reunited. Like we are in this together.  When I was pregnant with Colton, I would have dreams about a little girl.  I remember thinking that was a little odd because I knew I was pregnant with a boy.  I remember in my dream that it was just me laying in my bed and a little blond curly haired girl was sitting up by my legs just staring and smiling at me while she was sucking on her hand.
The drive home from the hospital was very surreal.  My mind was torn between starring at Hannah and thinking about the last time I drove home from the hospital after having a baby.  I cried the entire way home with Colton and so did Nick. I remember holding a vase on flowers in my lap that I literally wanted to throw out the window.  And this time I was in shock and a little numb.  I was happy but so sad. People always imagine that when they leave the hospital with a baby that it is with their spouse. 
“Be assured that there is a safe harbor. You can find peace amidst the storms that threaten you. Your Heavenly Father—who knows when even a sparrow falls—knows of your heartache and suffering. He loves you and wants the best for you. Never doubt this. While He allows all of us to make choices that may not always be for our own or even others’ well-being, and while He does not always intervene in the course of events, He has promised the faithful peace even in their trials and tribulations.” -Joseph B. Wirthlin 
Hannah has Nick's eyes.  Hannah has Nick's calmness.  Now she is only three weeks old but she is as calm as a cucumber.  Never fusses nor complains. Hannah has mine and Colton's nose. Hannah has Nick's platinum blond hair and white eyelashes.  Hannah has Nick's legs. Hannah has my chin.  Hannah has Nick's fair skin.

A woman named Carrie Ryan took Hannah's newborn photo's.  I briefly met Carrie when I lost Colton, neither of us really remembered but she was there with Terra helping take his photo's.  She heard about what had happened to Nick and she offered to take Hannah's newborn photo's.  Just like Colton, Carrie also lost a son. She understands the pain and heartache that mothers go through. I am so grateful for the people who have been put into my life because of my beautiful son and daughter. 


I guess I just really want to bare my testimony on making the best of situations that are handed to you. Now one thing that bothers me is overly positive people, because we all know that life hands you lemons but at the same time, I am just grateful for the knowledge that I know about the Plan of Salvation and because of that, I can try my hardest to live a normal life. Life isn't always what you make it, you can't just control life the way you want, but what you can control is how you handle life.   I was sitting on the couch the other day with my mom and mother in law and I was holding Hannah, and I looked around and just for a second my heart didn’t ache so badly.  Choices start with recognizing those small moments of bliss and happiness, and then we can decide if that is what we want and how to get those moments back into our lives.  It isn’t as easy as it sounds though; it takes time and a willingness to understand the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Happiness takes work, a lot of work, but Heavenly Father would never make it impossible he wants it so badly for us.  Choices start with prayer and a communication with those you cannot see, but feel.  Then making choices aren’t so hard anymore and being happy isn’t a chore, it will come and you will understand His master plan that He has for you.
Now that my sweet girl is here, life can finally slow down if it wants.  Some days I wish I was an old woman who was ready to pass through the veil, and other days I just want to enjoy Hannah and go through life with her. Heavenly Father has taken so much away from me, but he has also given me so much.  I don't sit at home alone anymore and I don't go to bed alone anymore...Hannah you are my entire life, I am literally alive because of you. I love you and thank Heavenly Father and Nick for giving you to me. Hopefully someday when you are an adult you will read my blog and realize how much I love you and what you mean to me.  You are my best friend.


Kellie Spiker said...

I know you don't know me. But I grew up in canyon country and have known nicks family for a long while. I can't being to tell you how much you inspire me. I tend to get caught up in the small moments and feel so weak. Your so amazingly strong I aspire to be more like you everyday. And that baby girl of yours is hands down the most beautiful baby Ive seen! Charish her everyday cause it goes by so very fast. Wishing you well

Teri said...

Beautiful post Caroline. Love you.

Crystal Pineda said...

You are such an inspiration. I am so blessed to call you my friend. It is such a relief to see you finally have little Hannah in your arms. I also know Nick and Colton are always right there beside you two. I love you.

Sherry said...

I just love your blog. I love your faithfulness to our Heavenly Father. I know how proud Nick and Colon are so proud of you and Hannah!
Enjoy every minute of your time together.
I think of you often,
Sherry Hart

Jamie Peterson said...

Caroline, I hope you don't mind that I post on your blog since you don't know me. But I am sitting here with tears in my eyes, so grateful that all is well with Hannah, and that all was well with your labor and delivery. I am so grateful for the strengthened testimony of Heavenly Father you have given me because He is taking care of you. Thank you for your heartfelt post and the experiences you've shared. Hannah is beautiful. I hope she grows up and knows how special her mommy is. :) Congratulations!!!!!
--Jamie Peterson

Julia said...

I'm lost for words as I feel your same love and loss. My lil girl was born the day after I lost my son In the same hospital room 3 yrs later. Xoxo the pain never goes away but the love Jesus pours in your heart is something to be greatful for..... congrats on your Lil girl she is beautiful. My lil one is only a month older :)


absolutely beautiful, I was in tears the entire way through.

fran said...

You are amazing Caroline!

Leah Aston said...

I am friends with Terra and saw your pictures on her blog and the link to yours. I am so touched by what you have shared. I've just had a baby girl a few months ago and it's been difficult not to cry as I've read your words and imagined your pain. My heart aches for you and is also happy for the blessing of your sweet daughter. I hope it's okay that I've posted on your blog. May Heavenly Father and your sweet husband and son watch over you!