Cultivate an attitude of happiness. Cultivate a spirit of optimism. Walk with faith, rejoicing in the beauties of nature, in the goodness of those you love, in the testimony which you carry in your heart concerning things divine.”-Gordon B. Hinckley
Lately I have been thinking about the song "How Great Thou Art." I sing that song a lot throughout the day because I truly mean it. Some days I can feel the Spirit just wanting to break down my front door and then other days I wonder if the Spirit is there at all. I wonder all the time how I got to be so lucky with the husband that I have and the son and daughter that I have. I wonder why Heavenly Father chose me to bless so much. I am nowhere near perfect and I have learned that I will make a million mistakes, say the wrong things, do the wrong things, I may have offended people along the way but I have to remind myself that I have not been in this situation before and that I am doing the best that I can.
I have a new sign in my house that says "DON'T JUST SURVIVE...LIVE." I bought it at Kneaders and I knew right away I had to have it. I decided at the beginning of the year when I made my bucket list that I was going to live and not just survive because frankly I am tired. I am ready to have fun and ready to live this life the way that Heavenly Father intended. One thing that I have struggled with is what other people will think when they see me smiling and having fun again. I think that is a natural worry. People judge, I have decided to not let that bother me anymore. That I just need to worry about me.
In the mornings I wake up and I say to myself, "Okay, another day to give Hannah the best childhood you can..." That is my goal. I want her to learn to live life joyfully knowing that she is not alone. To learn that when hard times come, TO LIVE AND NOT JUST SURVIVE.
I think on judgment day when we see our Savior face to face He will ask us and say something along the lines of "DID YOU LIVE, OR DID YOU JUST SURVIVE?" If we chose to survive through life than we didn't live the life that our Heavenly Father wanted for us, even if our life was full of trials. There is always time for happiness. I understand that our Heavenly Father is merciful and if we did just survive through life he would understand, but because he is a Father he wants more for us. Like our own earthly parents would. He wants us to be happy. My goal is to have more good days than bad and STOP just surviving. I miss Nick every hour of everyday, everything about him. I know that Nick wants me to live happily and to stop living in my grief. I see him in my dreams and I know he is working on something so special for his family. Until then, in order for me to give Hannah the best childhood that I can, I need to lead by example to LIVE AND NOT JUST SURVIVE.
I wonder what it is all the time that will somehow make all of this worth it. I wonder what is in store. I feel like I can still be a mother to Colton by leading by example. He see's everything I do just as Hannah does but I am sure he sees it on a spiritual level. I want to make him proud. I know that my Redeemer lives. I know that families are forever and that marriage is NOT until death do us part. I have learned so much in this life already and I can't imagine what I will learn in the next 50 plus years. I have learned that miracles are all around us, and that if we are aware we will notice them. I love my family and I love my life. They say to endure to the end, but I really hope that we remember to LIVE.