Sunday, February 2, 2014

An Epiphany: One huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

"The sacred title of 'father' is shared with the Almighty. In the Church men are called and released. Did you ever hear of a mortal father being released?- Pres. Ezra Taft Benson
  The other day, I was driving down to bountiful to see my cousin's dance recital.  Car rides are usually very therapeutic for me.... I can drive for hours and just sit in silence and not even touch the radio.  I prefer that it were off completely.
I was sitting there just thinking, and all of a sudden I had an epiphany.  It was something that I already knew but for some reason this time, the way it was put into my head was like I had never heard it before or thought of it that way.
For the past year, I have had an overwhelming feeling of guilt about losing Colton. As a mother you cannot help but feel that it was your fault.  I felt horrible that Nick didn't have his son, and it was all my fault. I would tell Nick all the time how sorry I was, and he would just smile.  No matter how nice Nick was to me or how much he reassured me that it wasn't my fault,

I still couldn't help but feel so responsible and so guilty that Nick didn't have his son to raise here on earth.

 As I was sitting in the car yesterday not really thinking about anything in particular the thought came into my mind. "Caroline you did give me my son, we just didn't know it... until now."
Now I always knew that I gave Nick a son, whether Colton was alive or not, but the guilt came from not giving Nick a son to be with presently.
A year ago, I had no idea that Nick was going to die. Colton did, Heavenly Father did, but I didn't.  This was all part of the plan and I feel as if it has been revealed to me in way.  Colton died, because Nick was going to die, and eventually I could give Nick his son.  I now have no guilt over Colton's death. 

I am at peace that Colton is there with Nick.  It is how it is suppose to be.  All I wanted was to give Nick his son and now I realized that I have. This huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am so incredibly happy that Nick has Colton. As a wife you want to give your husband everything and children is probably the biggest responsibility a wife has, and now I feel at peace that I did not fail at that role, I didn't know that a year ago. Heavenly Father still let me give Nick his son even though I didn't understand that at the time.  I had no idea a year ago, when I lost Colton, that in the end this was all so that I could give my husband his baby boy. Through the death of Colton, it ultimately gave Nick his son. Who would have thought that at the time? I know I didn't. It was the only way Nick could have him.

Now that I know why Colton passed, which I honestly believe is a sacred blessing (not many people get to find out the daunting question as to why their loved one passes). It may take me a life time to understand why Nick passed.  I may never find out until I am with him again.  I don't know what could be more important than him being here with his family and daughter. Until then, I fill my head with thoughts that he passed because he is needed as a missionary or he has something bigger and better to do, which is all true, but to pin point exactly what it is, I may not know until I see his face again, and I cannot wait for that day.
Then more thoughts came into my mind about how Nick and I are exchanging these gifts. What I mean is, I got to give Nick Colton, and now Nick gets to give me Hannah. I honestly feel that the veil has literally been lifted from my eyes and I can see that this was all planned. Nick and I love each other so much that we are giving each other our children.  We know what each other need and it just takes time for the plan to unfold to realize that. 

I would give ANYTHING to have the four of us together, but I am grateful that Heavenly Father allows these epiphanies and allows my mind to see the bigger picture.  He allows me to see what the veil covers. I pray every night that I will see Nick, just so I can tell him a few things, and I am given 10X more than that.
I have this feeling that Nick and Heavenly Father have something big in store for me.  That with love the two of them are working on some sort of AWESOME reward for me or I'd like to think so!  I don't know why I think that, maybe because hopefully they are proud of me.
I am not sure if I have mentioned this before or not.  I have this necklace that a good friend of mine gave to me at Nick's viewing.  It is a locket with his picture inside.  It is really beautiful.  On the necklace I put Nick's wedding ring on it.  Then when I was in California, DeAnn gave me Nick's missionary ring, that says "Return with Honor."  I also put that on the same necklace.  It wasn't until a few days later that when I looked at the three of them together, his picture, wedding ring, and his missionary ring.  I realized that the three of them put together tells me to return to Nick with honor through missionary work.  I must return to Nick with honor.  That when I am done with this life he will look at me and just be so proud. 

I know I have shared this video before as well. It is ''Emma Smith's Last Dream.'' Emma's story is meant for people like me. I look up to her and admire all that she went through.  I cry every time I watch this video.  It's how I imagine my sweet reunion with my family. I can look at one of Emma's portraits and sometimes I can see her just staring straight at me, telling me that this is all worth it.

Things that I miss most about Nick:
1. Nick loved car shows and the gold rush shows on TV.  He would get so excited to come home and watch Gas Monkey Garage, Counting Cars, and Gold Rush.  It was adorable.
2. We always had to order Nick's shoes online!  Nick wore a size 16 shoe!! I miss how big he was and how it was a challenge to find something in his shoes size.
3. Road trips.... Nick liked to stop at every outlet, restaurant or anything that looked somewhat interesting to him.  I always just wanted to get where we were going.  Nick liked to take his time and literally explore on the way to our destination.   
4.  I miss going to church with Nick.  I would always lean my head on Nick's shoulder and he was usually either paying attention or playing angry birds on his phone!
5.  The way that Nick would say.  "Hiiii Honnneeaaay" If that helps how I spelled it, you can just imagine how it sounded.
6. Nick could never get just one candy bar at maverick it was always 2 for $3.  I told him that's how they get your money! But if it was on sale he would get it.
7.  Laying in bed, I would literally roll in the center when Nick sat down because Nick was so big.  I would get stuck and sleep uphill.
8.  Nick was a great gospel doctrine teacher. He had the most awesome lessons.  He usually had to have some sort of video, power point or object lesson.
9. There was ALWAYS something wrong with the Jeep to Nick. I don't know if it's just a guy thing, but somehow he always found something wrong with it!  I think he just like to tinker on cars. He always thought it needed some new part or gadget.
10. Nick would blow dry his hair....yes his hair.  I don't know why, he just did! It was really funny, and he didn't think anything of it!  He would get out of the shower and pull out the hair dryer!



Lisa Gottlieb said...

what a wonderful thing to realize. to know that you DID give him your son. also thank you so so much for sharing all the little things about him. the multiple candy bars, the sleeping uphill, I just love it. it helps keep him alive in his friends hearts.

Rosa Murillo said...

This is so beautiful Caroline. You have no idea how much more I love my life and how much more I value all of the things that I have. Thank you because u have truly opened my eyes

Teri said...

What a sweet post Caroline, I love that Emma Smith video too. Your testimony gives me a lot of strength, thank you for sharing it.

Oh, and I never knew Nick used a hair dryer??!! That's pretty funny:)

Sherry said...

I just loved your blog. I love your "love story"! I am so proud of you and can't wait to read your next blog.
Thanks for sharing your new picture and I am praying for you and your precious baby girl!

Sherry Hart
LaGrange, Ga