Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Nick

 “How sweet is the assurance, how comforting is the peace that come from the knowledge that if we marry right and live right, our relationship will continue, notwithstanding the certainty of death and the passage of time. Men may write love songs and sing them. They may yearn and hope and dream. But all of this will be only a romantic longing unless there is an exercise of authority that transcends the powers of time and death.”   

-Gordon B. Hinckley

 
 

I miss my best friend more than anyone could possibly ever understand. I just try to pretend that Nick is at work and will be home soon.  I don't know why God has given me the life that I have.  The only thing that keeps me optimistic about the future is this little girl growing in my belly, but even that I can't count on until she is actually here. I hope that when I see her, it will be like I am seeing Nick. I think about our future together, and I get excited for her and sad for her all at the same time. She doesn't deserve not to know her Dad.  She isn't even here yet and she already has trials placed out in front of her. 

 
  

I don't feel like a widow and I don't feel like a soon to be single mom.

 

Nick hasn't left me yet.  He is still around where ever I go. He still provides for his family.  If you come over to my house, you will know that there are angels in my home, and I tend to keep it that way.  When I think of a single mom, I think of someone who is alone in supporting and raising their children. I don't feel like a soon to be single mom.  My husband is there right beside me cheering me on and helping me along this entire thing, I know that because he did that exact thing when Colton died. I am sure Nick is in shock just as much as I am. They say that death is only hard for the living. That's not true.  I was talking to my sister Holly last night on the phone, and we were talking about how sad our husbands must be to leave us and their entire family.  Even though they can see us, it must be incredibly difficult to watch us cry ourselves to sleep every night.  It can't be easy for Nick to watch me in so much heartache.

 

I really wanted to share about a particular experience I had a couple of weeks ago, that has changed my life.  It was when I finally realized that Nick was not going to make it.  I was at my sisters house having a moment; meaning I was just crying hysterically on the bed, in the fetal position, just out of control crying.  I had many priesthood blessings by this time and didn't know what else to do. I asked one of my sisters to go grab my dad because I wanted yet another blessing because nothing else was working. My dad came in, and I knew the drill, he would give me a blessing and that was it. But this time for some reason was the blessing that saved me. My dad put his hands on my head and stood there in silence for a minute and he said to me... "Caroline I bless you that you will feel the spirit like you have never before in your life."  From that moment on, the Holy Ghost and Nick have not once left me.  It has been a couple weeks since then, and my heart has literally been changed. Yes I have my moments of despair and crying and so much physical heartache, but I have never once felt alone. That blessing saved me.  I have felt the spirit like I have never felt it in my life. The Holy Ghost can do amazing things to a person's soul. My home is filled with angels, I sometimes think I can see them because the veil is so thin.

 

Nick and I talk every day, all day.  We still have conversations and he is constantly putting thoughts into my head.  Sunday I went back to church with my sisters in Idaho.  It was my first time back and all I could think about was the last time I went to church with Nick. I was in the shower, not really having a moment or anything and Nick had told me he loved me.  He does that all the time, so I just continued on. When I got out of the shower I opened the door, and this is going to sound weird but I could smell Nick.  I literally stopped in my tracks.  It smelled just like him, he had a certain scent.  It was like he was putting on his cologne to get ready to go to church with me or something. I continued on to get ready in the bathroom.  One of my nieces had put my Pandora music on, to Sunday church music. As I listened closer I realized that it was Be Still My Soul, which was a song that we sang at Nick's funeral.  So I quickly changed it because I knew I would start crying. So I changed it and the very next song was Come Thou Fount... which was another song that we had sung as a special musical number at Nick's funeral. I said in my head kind of loud, OK NICK I get it, you are coming to church with me.

 Little things like these are not by chance, they are real. If our hearts and minds are constantly in the right place we would notice them more often.

 

I feel all too young for the life I have been given. Losing a son and now my husband just doesn't seem real. Nothing is a coincidence.  It is not a coincidence that Nick's accident was on the one year anniversary of our son.  Everything is for a reason. I would lay by Nick in the hospital and just pray that Heavenly Father would take me too. I kept thinking, it happened in the movie the Notebook, when another just dies with their spouse because their love is so strong or because of a broken heart. Well it didn't happen, because I have a little girl to raise. My Nick is with our son and I am with our daughter. I don't know why Heavenly Father thinks it's best for my family to be split in half, but I trust that He knows what he is doing.

 

I have a new love  for the priesthood. In my patriarchal blessing that received when I was 14 years old, it says "Caroline, there will be times when you will need to rely on the priesthood powers...there will be spirits that will come into your home, who are leaders among men." Now I understand that, that is very personal. But I count on those words. I count on them as if my life literally depended on it. In the hospital, there were MANY miracles.  My brother in laws, uncles, and so many more worthy men gave Nick blessings, that at the time, did save his life.  I remember thinking "If Nick doesn't make it, those priesthood blessings still worked."  They gave me more time with my sweetheart. I will never forget those priesthood blessings.  We had given him so many, I wondered if it was too much.  I didn't want God to get mad at me for asking for a miracle over and over again.  But I quickly learned that my Heavenly Father would never tell me to stop giving him blessings. That is my right as a daughter of our Heavenly Father, to use the priesthood.

 

I love my Nick more than words can describe.  He has taught me so much. I think of events that led up to where we are today. Nick taught me how to love. He taught me how to live my life the way I need to in order to be happy.  He taught me how to mourn.  Even though there is no right way to mourn....what he taught makes it so much easier on an aching heart.  

 

Most importantly he taught me that, everything he ever taught me and will continue to teach me, is because of our Savior.

 
 
 

 
 






 

15 comments:

SHILLIG4FAMILY said...

oh my dear, I appreciate your words more than you know
I appreciate the reminders to not take the Priesthood, our Savior or my husband and children for granted
I love you for sharing your life with us

Crystal Pineda said...

I love you so much. I know that Nick and Colton will watch over you and Hannah every moment of everyday.

Harding's said...

Caroline, we have never met but I adore the Longshore family and am grateful that you have let me learn so much from your strength the past few weeks. I am so sorry for your loss and I am grateful for your testimony of the Gospel and the strength it is giving me. You are remarkable and so very strong and I know that your Heavenly Father knows this. Thank you for your example and sharing such personal experiences during this difficult time in your life. I wish you the best and know that you will truly be blessed for your continued faith.

Lauren said...

You are a remarkable human being. So unbelievably strong and full of faith. I have been following your story and I am truly amazed at your strength. I know that Nick is with you. And that he is showing your little boy what an amazing mommy he has. Praying for you and your little girl.

Chrisandlaurenjepsen.blogspot.com

Barbara Ann said...

I love you. You know my heart. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Heidi Bacon said...

Your story has touched my soul. You don't know me, but I was college roommates with your cousin Kristi. Thank you for sharing your love and compassion for Nick as well as our Savior. You have inspired me to love more. After reading your blog, I feel I'm lacking in that area. I hope your heart heals from the sorrow of this tragedy. My prayers are with you and may you be blessed with strength.

Teri said...

Thank you for sharing your testimony and faith Caroline. You have touched my life and inspired me to be better. I know you are inspiring many more then just me. I love you so much and grateful to call you my sister. -Teri

courtney holland said...

Oh Caroline... I needed to hear that. As someone watching from afar. Praying always... Wondering constantly... I needed to hear how u were. Good, bad, both. I'm so grateful for Ur words. Thanku for teaching others what nick taught u. Because that is the miracle of life. That he lives on... I'm so happy that he is with u. And that u notice him around you... Maybe that's that light around u that I saw the other day. :) I'm here. B keep talking keep teaching... And keep protecting that baby girl of yours. As he is doing the same for the baby boy of yours. :)

LC said...

Thank you for sharing something so precious and close to your heart. What a wonderful blessing to have the knowledge of the plan of salvation, to know that we will be with our loved ones again. I know that our Heavenly Father has a plan for you and your sweet baby girl and that you will continue to touch many with your strong testimony and abounding faith. We might be strangers but reading your words filled my home with the spirit and brought a feeling of love that can't be explained. You are truly amazing!
Please know that we are praying for you and your darling family!

Leah Golden said...

The spirit was very strong while reading this post, I just wanted to take a moment and admire your faith Caroline, what a blessing you have been in so many lives by sharing your miraculous story. Thank you! Prayers are oftered up and answered!

The Willis Wonder Years said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Willis Wonder Years said...

We dont know each other personally, but my family is lifelong friends with Alan Longshore's family. I hope you dont mind my checking in on you after hearing about this. I dont even know what to say, other than I have more admiration for you than I have ever had for anyone in my entire life. Your stregnth, your willingness to share your weaknesses, your testimony, your love of family, your heart, your faith, your endurance...
Most people (myself included) will have to spend their entire lifetime trying to obtain those charactersitics that you have already so finely tuned at such a young age. I know the Lord has to have blessings awaiting you and your amazing family that will compensate for the heartache you have had to endure in this life. Thank you for being a light and an example to all of us. I will continue to pray for you every single day.

Lisa Gottlieb said...

Absolutely beautiful Caroline. You are seriously one of the strongest people I know. Your words touched my heart and I felt the spirit so much while reading this last blog entry. When you talked about Nick being there righto out of the shower, getting ready for church, and those two songs came on, no accident, just the simple spiritual ways he is letting you know he is there with you. I love it because it is in such a spiritual way, nothing obvious or grandiose, just..simply touching your heart...I pray for you and your little girl (I think Hannah, if that is the name you decide) Thank you for accepting my friend request and I really hope to get to know you more.

Jamie said...

Caroline,
I was in the Clinton 8th ward when you were, and though we didn't get to know one another, you bore your testimony there that touched me and made me think of you daily, hoping that Heavenly Father would hold your heart in His hands after losing your son. After I heard about you losing your husband too, I was desperate to know that you're okay, and checked your blog daily for any sign of how you are doing. Thank you for your very tender post. I imagine it was hard to write such tender and personal experiences, but I am glad you did. I cried through it all, and I will always consider you a spiritual role model who has taught me so much and helped me feel the spirit so strongly. I have never faced any of the trials you have faced, but I love how strong your testimony and your faith are. I really am glad you posted this sweet message, because I am glad to know that Heavenly Father is with you. I hoped that all of this sadness would not make you question God and turn away from Him as punishment for these experiences. It is very uplifting to read that the exact opposite has happened! I will continue to think of and pray for you and your little girl. Thank you again for answering my prayer to know that you are doing okay. :)

Laura Despain said...

Thank you for your powerful testimony on thepriesthood. it's what I needed to read tonight