“How sweet is the assurance, how comforting is the peace that come from the knowledge that if we marry right and live right, our relationship will continue, notwithstanding the certainty of death and the passage of time. Men may write love songs and sing them. They may yearn and hope and dream. But all of this will be only a romantic longing unless there is an exercise of authority that transcends the powers of time and death.”
-Gordon B. Hinckley
I miss my best friend more than anyone could possibly ever understand. I just try to pretend that Nick is at work and will be home soon. I don't know why God has given me the life that I have. The only thing that keeps me optimistic about the future is this little girl growing in my belly, but even that I can't count on until she is actually here. I hope that when I see her, it will be like I am seeing Nick. I think about our future together, and I get excited for her and sad for her all at the same time. She doesn't deserve not to know her Dad. She isn't even here yet and she already has trials placed out in front of her.
I don't feel like a widow and I don't feel like a soon to be single mom.
Nick hasn't left me yet.He is still around where ever I go. He still provides for his
family.If you come over to my house,
you will know that there are angels in my home, and I tend to keep it that
way.When I think of a single mom, I
think of someone who is alone in supporting and raising their children. I don't
feel like a soon to be single mom.My
husband is there right beside me cheering me on and helping me along this
entire thing, I know that because he did that exact thing when Colton died. I
am sure Nick is in shock just as much as I am. They say that death is only hard
for the living. That's not true.I was
talking to my sister Holly last night on the phone, and we were talking about
how sad our husbands must be to leave us and their entire family.Even though they can see us, it must be
incredibly difficult to watch us cry ourselves to sleep every night.It can't be easy for Nick to watch me in so
I really wanted to share about a particular experience I had a couple of weeks ago, that has changed my life. It was when I finally realized that Nick was not going to make it. I was at my sisters house having a moment; meaning I was just crying hysterically on the bed, in the fetal position, just out of control crying. I had many priesthood blessings by this time and didn't know what else to do. I asked one of my sisters to go grab my dad because I wanted yet another blessing because nothing else was working. My dad came in, and I knew the drill, he would give me a blessing and that was it. But this time for some reason was the blessing that saved me. My dad put his hands on my head and stood there in silence for a minute and he said to me... "Caroline I bless you that you will feel the spirit like you have never before in your life." From that moment on, the Holy Ghost and Nick have not once left me. It has been a couple weeks since then, and my heart has literally been changed. Yes I have my moments of despair and crying and so much physical heartache, but I have never once felt alone. That blessing saved me. I have felt the spirit like I have never felt it in my life. The Holy Ghost can do amazing things to a person's soul. My home is filled with angels, I sometimes think I can see them because the veil is so thin.
Nick and I talk every day, all day.We still have conversations and he is
constantly putting thoughts into my head.Sunday I went back to church with my sisters in Idaho.It was my first time back and all I could
think about was the last time I went to church with Nick. I was in the shower,
not really having a moment or anything and Nick had told me he loved me.He does that all the time, so I just
continued on. When I got out of the shower I opened the door, and this is going
to sound weird but I could smell Nick.I
literally stopped in my tracks.It
smelled just like him, he had a certain scent.It was like he was putting on his cologne to get ready to go to church
with me or something. I continued on to get ready in the bathroom.One of my nieces had put my Pandora music on,
to Sunday church music. As I listened closer I realized that it was Be Still My
Soul, which was a song that we sang at Nick's funeral.So I quickly changed it because I knew I would
start crying. So I changed it and the very next song was Come Thou Fount...
which was another song that we had sung as a special musical number at Nick's
funeral. I said in my head kind of loud, OK NICK I get it, you are coming to
church with me.
Little things like these are not by chance, they are real. If our hearts and minds are constantly in the right place we would notice them more often.
I feel all too young for the life I have been given. Losing a son and now my husband just doesn't seem real. Nothing is a coincidence. It is not a coincidence that Nick's accident was on the one year anniversary of our son. Everything is for a reason. I would lay by Nick in the hospital and just pray that Heavenly Father would take me too. I kept thinking, it happened in the movie the Notebook, when another just dies with their spouse because their love is so strong or because of a broken heart. Well it didn't happen, because I have a little girl to raise. My Nick is with our son and I am with our daughter. I don't know why Heavenly Father thinks it's best for my family to be split in half, but I trust that He knows what he is doing.
I have a new love for the priesthood. In my patriarchal blessing that received when I was 14 years old, it says "Caroline, there will be times when you will need to rely on the priesthood powers...there will be spirits that will come into your home, who are leaders among men." Now I understand that, that is very personal. But I count on those words. I count on them as if my life literally depended on it. In the hospital, there were MANY miracles. My brother in laws, uncles, and so many more worthy men gave Nick blessings, that at the time, did save his life. I remember thinking "If Nick doesn't make it, those priesthood blessings still worked." They gave me more time with my sweetheart. I will never forget those priesthood blessings. We had given him so many, I wondered if it was too much. I didn't want God to get mad at me for asking for a miracle over and over again. But I quickly learned that my Heavenly Father would never tell me to stop giving him blessings. That is my right as a daughter of our Heavenly Father, to use the priesthood.
I love my Nick more than words can describe. He has taught me so much. I think of events that led up to where we are today. Nick taught me how to love. He taught me how to live my life the way I need to in order to be happy. He taught me how to mourn. Even though there is no right way to mourn....what he taught makes it so much easier on an aching heart.
Most importantly he taught me that, everything he ever taught me and will continue to teach me, is because of our Savior.