So it is November 4th. I CANNOT believe it. My baby would be one years old next week. I imagine we would have some great birthday party planned, with cake, balloons, and a super cute little boy with cake all over his face. I have never been the same since. I changed the minute I walked out of that hospital empty handed.
I have been waiting for that day for a very long time. I feel like I am suppose to have some sort of revelation from him that day or a feeling like phew we made it. I have decided that after his birthday, that I really need to try and not be so depressing, online is particular. Iv realized that all I write, talk and post about is about MY struggles and MY life. I know I have helped at least someone along the way and I will always be a HUGE advocate for my son, and stillbirth awareness, and I will take any opportunity to tell someone, anyone, about him. But I know that it is time to stop being sad, and it is time to start telling people, how blessed I am and not just about the horrible/best thing that happened to me. I miss my baby boy more than anything in the world. And let's just say I am pro and putting on a brave face.
I have to watch all my friends with their children on their birthday's with cake, and a room full of happiness. And I will be at the cemetery with cupcakes, and a dinner afterward. Life isn't fair. The more I write actually, the more mad I get. Through life, I did everything the right way and I am the one left heartbroken. I grew up being a good girl, never did anything I wasn't suppose too, I married the love of my life and lived the way my Heavenly Father wanted me too, and here I am SO broken. They say bad things happen to good people, that is true, BUT even more important, SPECTACULAR things happen to those who are patient.
I know that I am blessed beyond anyone else that I know. I have the strongest relationship with my son, that no other mom can possibly EVER have. He is my best friend, and he takes care of my every need and someday I will take care of his every need.
I have my journal typed up on my computer; half of it I have put in a book online, I am hoping by next year I will be done. I took a break from it for awhile, and the other day I was reading it and I couldn't believe some of the stuff I had forgotten. While I was reading, I said to myself "I am SO glad I wrote this down!" I have this feeling that someone close to me or in my own family will have to go through what I did! I don't know who and it could be 20 years from now, but I have it for that person to read one day BUT then I got to thinking, wait a minute, what IF it is meant for ME again. What if it is me who will lose another and I have to read this book during that time. That thought has haunted my brain for days now. I can't even handle the thought so I keep trying to put it out of my mind. The book is called "The Crown Without The Conflict- Our Stillbirth Story" It talks about EVERYTHING, and I can't wait to finish it. I got the title from another person who's baby had died, she had put on her child's headstone, and from then on, it stuck with me.
So yall will probably notice a decrease it posts about stillbirth or loss, but it is time for a break from being depressing and so sad all the time. I don't want people to think that I just continually need sympathy, because that isn't it, you write what you know and feel and I hope that after his birthday I feel some sort of peace and not sad and feel like I can show my friends that I can be happy.
In other news, and of course it is about babies! :)
This lil baby in my belly will not stop moving! I started to feel flutters 2 weeks ago, and now it is a lot stronger. We find out what we are having a week before Thanksgiving. I really have no clue what it could be. I have nightmares that it is both! That the baby is a boy and girl and that we have to choose which one we wanted it to be when it is born! HORRIBLE, kind of funny but that was a REAL dream that I had the other night. We have a few names picked out. If it is a boy I really love the name, Carter. Nick thinks that it sounds to close to Colton and he doesn't want people to think that we are trying to make them the same I guess. That is totally not the case at all. I really just love the name Carter. If it is a girl, it will either be Hannah (after my Aunt Julia's daughter who passed away years ago), or it will be Milly, after my Grandma Evans.
This past week, Nick and I went to the movies, OF COURSE! It is my fav date. We went and saw Last Vegas. It was hilarious. If anyone is wondering. Old people are naturally funny, so they didn't have to try very hard!
Yesterday, Nick and I were watching Family Feud, and I laughed SO hard. I haven't laughed that hard in such a long time. I was crying hysterically! It went a little something like this. The question was... "What is a profession that a man would be proud to say his wife had?" and the boy goes..."A Pharmacist" ??????????? What. ok? Yes that is an awesome job, but I am SURE that 50 people didn't vote for that when they asked people on the streets. Then AGAIN. the same boy was asked "For $20,000! What is a household appliance that you just cannot live without?" without hesitation he says "A SPATULA!" I literally almost peed my pant. A spatula???? An appliance you just can't live without! How about a refrigerator or washer and dryer. Anywho, they didn't win $20,000 but I am STILL laughing about it. Just had to share.